"I have something to say," I think as I leave tab after tab open in Firefox. Meaning to return to posts later in order to offer encouragement, support or compliments, I always feel guilty when I quit the program and lose my place.
I once prided myself on my commenting ability. I'd read carefully, taking time to fully understand what you were trying to say. I'd consider, draft, revise and then post my response, hoping it helped in some way. Yet now - even when I find time to tap out a few words - they feel inadequate and lame. More of a quick 'yep!' then a thoughtful and nuanced reply to words you took the time and energy to write.
I don't console myself with thoughts of being so busy or harried or even self-absorbed. I was trying, therefore, to justify my lack of ability as I climbed the steps to curl in bed and realized something. I opine all day. While not the decider, I am among a group of people responsible for making choices. We gather facts and opinions. We talk to people in person - both here and there, by phone and email. We ask questions, listen carefully and offer measured responses in return. We make judgment calls - this is good enough; that is not. We should invest in this but not in that. I like this idea, but not as much as that one so the former will have to wait until 2010.
I then go to work explaining the decision - whether pitching to bosses or gathering feedback from peers. I defend our choices to customers and listen carefully to criticism. I put all my mental energy into understand collaborators and why they have opposing views. I compliment colleagues in sister businesses because they deserve it and it pleases me to watch their expressions of happy surprise when I stop to say I think they did beautifully. I pause by a neighboring office to hear a random story, stepping inside to curl into a chair if I feel more attention is needed.
Given my need and affection for sleep, there is finite time and attention to be given. And the "um..." response my tired brain offers is so much less than I want to offer. So I leave tabs open because I care that someone is considering leaving grad school or working through a divorce or facing surgery. I've read scattered posts about moving forward and that matters. I think they're important and lovely or heart-wrenching. And I want to indicate that somehow - that I've read and care.
Yet another example of how prioritization must occur. In the meantime, I'm sorry I'm not doing better.
I once prided myself on my commenting ability. I'd read carefully, taking time to fully understand what you were trying to say. I'd consider, draft, revise and then post my response, hoping it helped in some way. Yet now - even when I find time to tap out a few words - they feel inadequate and lame. More of a quick 'yep!' then a thoughtful and nuanced reply to words you took the time and energy to write.
I don't console myself with thoughts of being so busy or harried or even self-absorbed. I was trying, therefore, to justify my lack of ability as I climbed the steps to curl in bed and realized something. I opine all day. While not the decider, I am among a group of people responsible for making choices. We gather facts and opinions. We talk to people in person - both here and there, by phone and email. We ask questions, listen carefully and offer measured responses in return. We make judgment calls - this is good enough; that is not. We should invest in this but not in that. I like this idea, but not as much as that one so the former will have to wait until 2010.
I then go to work explaining the decision - whether pitching to bosses or gathering feedback from peers. I defend our choices to customers and listen carefully to criticism. I put all my mental energy into understand collaborators and why they have opposing views. I compliment colleagues in sister businesses because they deserve it and it pleases me to watch their expressions of happy surprise when I stop to say I think they did beautifully. I pause by a neighboring office to hear a random story, stepping inside to curl into a chair if I feel more attention is needed.
Given my need and affection for sleep, there is finite time and attention to be given. And the "um..." response my tired brain offers is so much less than I want to offer. So I leave tabs open because I care that someone is considering leaving grad school or working through a divorce or facing surgery. I've read scattered posts about moving forward and that matters. I think they're important and lovely or heart-wrenching. And I want to indicate that somehow - that I've read and care.
Yet another example of how prioritization must occur. In the meantime, I'm sorry I'm not doing better.
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